Bad Animal Sounds
I’m compiling a collection of animal themed short stories and other writings. I started this project in college and eventually had to set it aside to focus on projects that I could better align with my assignments. Writing my Substack newsletter has given me a good excuse to blow the dust off of that old project and finally put it together. I don’t know how many pages the final product will be, but you get to come along for the ride as I sort it all out. I’m planning on doing as many illustrated pages as I can, so this week’s post comes with two images for the pages I’ve designed for print, incuding the two-page centerfold. If the text is too hard to read on the images, don’t worry, I’ve put the text below to make it easier to read in the newsletter format.
Whether this turns out to be a small zine or a little book, I appreciate you coming along for the ride and supporting my work while I put it together. As the newsletter grows I would like to share more behind the scenes for how I created each page, and possibly even some audio for those who would enjoy a digital version of a public reading. Let me know your thoughts and ideas in the comments and tell me what you’d like to see, and hear from these posts in the future.
Horse Doctor
The nurse insisted I ride her to the exam room. She was already saddled up so it wasn’t too unusual, I suppose. After checking my weight, height, and blood pressure Doc trotted in. He was a real horse doctor. I don’t mean veterinarian, although I can’t rule that out, what I mean to say is that he was a thoroughbred. He was nice enough, but the pills he prescribed were so large I had to cut into fourths just to swallow them. I can’t complain too much though, after I took his advice of cutting back on grains and spending at least one hour a day running along the fence line I was feeling better than ever. At first it was difficult, but now I feel like I could run twelve furlongs at a moment's notice. I know a horse doctor isn’t traditional, but I am happy to say that Dr. LuckySoFar is now my regular physician. I’m much happier than I was with my last doctor, he was an ass.
(Originally published in P.A.L.E.)
Unzipped Flies
Trout have been observed snatching flies from the water’s surface just to unzip them and let them go. Being unzipped does not hurt the fly but is rather embarrassing and flies do not possess the ability to zip themselves back up. Once unzipped, a fly is a social pariah and finds no company even among other unzipped flies. If an unzipped fly is lucky enough to come across a wild cat, the cat will zip up the fly in exchange for a small favor. As there is a drastic size difference between wild cats and flies however, a small favor for a cat is a huge favor for a fly. Any flies that survive this task will be zipped back up and allowed to rejoin the herd, although they often do so under an alias with the hope that none of the other flies recognize them or remember the awkward situation of being unzipped which they would rather never have come up in conversation again. For flies that remain unzipped, they may still have a chance to breed, but only with other unzipped flies and only on the darkest of nights with the lights off so that both parties can remain somewhat aroused without having to see each other’s unsightly bodies. Remarkably, unzipped flies are more successful parents and have a much higher hatch rate among their eggs. This is believed to be due to the fact that an unzipped fly has more surface area and therefore can more thoroughly cover and heat its nest. Because of the repulsive nature of an unzipped fly, many fly species are selectively breeding in hopes of evolving smaller, more secure zippers. It is still unclear why the trout unzip the flies at all other than that they are rude and have an immature sense of humor.
One From the Reading Pile
Earlier this week I talked about Pure Drivel by Steve Martin. This book was a great example of how powerful short writing can be. Few of the stories or essays are longer than two pages, yet they all have something to say and make their point. Martin is an undisputed comic genius in the world of film, but I was still surprised at just how funny he was in the wildly different medium of prose writing. From page to page I was finding not only something to laugh at, but also some inspiring wordplay that reinforced the power of well crafted brevity.
If you find yourself enjoying the tiny format of the stories in this newsletter, I suggest you give Steve Martin’s writing a chance. If you don’t find a cheap copy of Pure Drivel, at least sit down and watch The Jerk, which I firmly believe is one of the funniest films of all time.
That’s all for this week.
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